I've become incredibly sedentary. Yes, for the longest time I have been sleeping, cached away, hibernating - but now something is stirring outside my cave and I can smell warm spring air... well, warm *wet* spring air... finally making its way into my subterranean hidey-hole.

As usual, the British weather is doing its utmost to confuse the hell out of everyone... warmest & dryest March on record replete with drought notices followed by wettest April ever... makes one want to amble back to one's cozy hibernaculum.

The house has taken a beating; I can see a visit from a roofing specialist in my near future, and I'm beginning to wish I had greener thumbs so I could make the garden look healthier. Sleeper awaken indeed! My bed looks even more desirable now!

Here's hoping for better weather and a glorious Olympic / royal year.

Good morning dear readers,

After the dark times yesterday, I awoke this morning to brilliant sunshine and birdsong, and a day of peace and quiet. I think today is a good day to hit the garden and indulge in that most civilized of summer pursuits - Pimms on the lawn and a little light reading.

Time to recharge, methinks.

Once in a while, i'm grabbed by an urge to 'do something with the family', which usually means spending time with my mum and taking her out somewhere nice for a few hours. I should explain, I love my family dearly but sometimes... well, they just get to me. Really get to me and drive me crazy.

I took mum out today to a nearby garden, some 30 acres of rambling paths and little nooks. It was a beautiful spring day, blue skies and sunshine, so I thought we would have a nice time just dodging the tourists and exploring the place.

Everything went wrong.

First off, I overslept and I arrived late to pick her up. She had decided that I wasn't coming and had settled in for the day with a book, (no call to see what was up - and i'd been rushing around too much to try and get there to call ahead and let her know). She had already decided that she wasn't going. I asked her if she wanted to go, and instead of being honest she said she would... but my spidey-senses were already tingling, sensing all was not well.

On arriving she wanted to yomp off into the garden. I wanted to grab a quick cup of tea, but she was impatient to get on. I was a little annoyed, as I hadn't eaten and it was now dinnertime... but I kept the peace and set off. Five minutes in she stopped for a sit down and a bite to eat... which ticked me off, as five minutes before she didn't want food or drink. I guess this was to avoid paying for the food in the restaurant - she had made sandwiches for us both to save money, despite my declaration that I would foot the bill for the food.

I saw red, and declared that I didn't want any, as I wasn't hungry. She got annoyed because I wouldn't eat. I kept my mouth shut and said not a word... which led her to declare I was sulking and I was "just like her father".

This is a particularly bad thing to say to me, as regardless of any likeness in temperment to my grandfather, he was not a nice man. He abused both mum and my grandmother, and was quite a nasty piece of work.

Silence.

I wasn't prepared to answer anything from her at that point - civil relations had broken down completely. She then got up and marched off into the garden muttering about me under her breath.

I went off in a different direction, seeking escape at any cost.

An hour or so later, I found myself at the far end of the gardens and holed up in a quiet corner, sat on a bench, all paths in full view for a quick escape. I found myself considering what the next move should be. Should I go back and try to repair the damage done to the day? Should I just bundle her back to the car, drive her home and get rid? What was the best course of action?

Eventually, I concluded that I had to rise above the ill-feeling, give her a straight choice of continue or going home, and see what she said. I headed back through the gardens looking for her, but with the feeling that she would be back at the cafe. My hunch was right - she was.

Unemotionally, I offered the choice. She apologised and asked if we could have a cup of tea. After the tea, she spent ages wandering the garden shop before buying some plants. I bundled her home.

I was so relieved to get home and lock the door behind me. I suspect that it'll be a very long time before I take her out again.

Tonight, thinking back on it, i'm wondering why I made the effort to take her out. Bearing in mind how difficult it is to get her out of the house anyway, I don't think it's been worth the effort. And why, oh why is family so bloody stubborn and annoying, and such hard work?

I guess i'm not the only girl in the world that has a rough relationship with their mother, but sometime I feel like I am totally alone.

Is it really a whole year since I last blogged here? Good grief.

I guess i've been too wrapped up in events, and have neglected my online presence (such as it is!), for I haven't even been into Second Life much recently. Apart from maintenence, paying my Tier and checking I haven't left the oven on, my dream house by the beach has been quiet, and mostly abandoned.

Life hasn't changed much for me - still on my own, and I have to say i'm happier that way at the moment. The problem with relationships is that they've always been so... messy. Last year was about solitude, just being myself and getting things on an even keel - though that hasn't always been very successful. This year, 2011... we'll see where that goes.

I have a shiny new laptop (christened "Myka" - been watching Warehouse 13 second season), which means I can go into Second Life whenever - and wherever - I want, but peversely i've found myself spending less and less time in it as Real Life has dragged me further into its grasp. Perhaps the desire to be in SL is inversely proportional to the accessability?

I've been spending most of my RL time working on the house, cleaning out the spare room and converting it into a nice little study / workroom, something i've always wanted and never gotten around to doing. I have discovered the wonderful world of Ikea, and have been spending my meagre annual bonus in dribs and drabs, building a new desk and putting up shelves for my burgeoning book collection. I have become a dab hand with the drill, the hammer and the woodscrew, and despite having the "body of a weak and feeble woman" I have conquered the male bastion of D.I.Y. (Did I tell you i've been watching "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"?). There is much to do; but I am determined to master the tasks ahead.

Well, that's where I am right now. I'll have to draw this chat short now, as I have an early start tomorrow - an early meeting to attend - and my bed is calling. Night!

Heddwch, bywyd hir a chariad.

And so 2009 ends. A New Year, a whole new decade.

For me, the new year transition was a quiet one, watching the fire and thinking about past and future, observing the change of the year quietly with a small drink and a silent prayer. I could have gone partying, but it seemed more appropriate this way.

Anyway, from Serena Lifu in SL, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all a happy and peaceful New Year. May peace, love, joy and happiness find you and be with you the whole year through.

Yesterday, in a fit of creativity, I decided to build myself a Tortoise stove in Second Life. I've wanted one of these in real life for ages, but sadly it's not to be - way too expensive and there's nowhere I could put one in the house anyway - but in SL, anything is possible!

Being a novice at building just about anything in SL, I was unsure about how well I could make one, but buoyed up by a little research and a false belief in my abilities (!) I set to work...

Lunchtime today I finished the build and the final results are below:

Now, it may not look like much but i'm pretty pleased with my first attempt. I've taken a couple of liberties with the design, but attempted to stay faithful to the basic design. To give you an idea of what the real thing is, i've found an image of one above:

Tortoise stoves were first manufactured by Charles Portway in 1830 in Essex, England. They proved immensely popular, and many sizes were made - the one above is a number '2' stove. The reason for the name, "Tortoise", is that the stoves are very slow but highly efficient fuel burners - every stove carries the motto "Slow but Sure" and has a tortoise emblazoned on the top and on a crest on the front. They can work with any fuel, but work best with Anthracite coal, once commonly mined in Wales and Scotland. They were widely used to heat private homes, halls and churches, hence the mention in the first verse of John Betjemen's poem "Christmas":

So, at last I have my Tortoise stove! I aim to improve the detailing later, but for now i'm content to leave it in pride of place in my island house, just keeping the office warm, ready for my return...

Another rotation of the Earth around the Sun and i'm still here. So many changes in my life, some good and some not so, but i'm still here. I've had an... 'interesting' Christmas, with the usual harrowing family time - sadly also the usual family arguments and in-fighting - but at least all that is passed now and my real Christmas is here. For a few scant days I can relax and be myself.

So here I am, relaxing in front of the TV, watching an old episode of Star Trek:Voyager and feeling peaceful for the first time in a long time. I guess this is what Christmas is all about. For me it's not family, for mine is no fun to be around. It's not about the commercialism or the excessive consumption - it's just about finding peace for a while, and laying to rest at least some of the old ghosts.

Although the new year finds me alone again, I don't mind as much as I thought I might. I'll survive, although in the long dark wintertime to come I may regret the loss. So, here I am in the gap betwixt Christmas and New Year, and i'm strangely okay.

And that'll do.

Made a very brief foray into SL tonight to pay my tier on the island and check everything was okay. While I was there I dropped in on Blakopal designs, and found a new outfit I instantly fell in love with - the Airship Pilot outfit. Needless to say I bought it quickly and scuttled off home to try it on.

I love it. Wish I could get this in the real world, i'd wear it in an instant.

 

My private island in the sun is coming along well... i've chosen a nice modern house to go on my property, and am trying to build a garden with one eye on asthetics and one on the prim count. It's a struggle, made more so by the fact that I don't get much time in SL recently.

I've been a little worried about the up-coming price rises on SL - my rent will be going up by 25% due to changes made by Linden Labs. This is a bit of a shock, after all this was expensive and hard to justify monthly outlay anyway! It was wonderfully timed too - I had been renting two houses (long story) and have just let them both go, so now my bridges are thoroughly burnt. Don't want to lose everything again and end up a nomad again!

I hope it'll be okay. I'm sure it'll be okay. In any case, why am I obsessing? It's only Second Life!

Real life continues to be complex. Family is demanding. Work is getting harder. The job i'm currently doing is really taking its toll on me - long hours for low pay, with stress and pressure to boot, it's not a good combination. I keep telling myself to move on, but there's not a lot out there for me - I know, i've looked. That and the current financial crisis are working against me, so it looks like i'm stuck where I am for a while longer. I have to admit, deep down, i'm also scared... in the end I have to admit I don't like change very much - I like stability and security. In my mind I can't equate jobhunting with safety. If I don't get over this tho', i'll be stuck where I am forever, and that is a very scary concept.

Ah well, I should get on with some home stuff now - I have a laptop to try and fix, and numerous little jobs to look at around the house. No rest for the wicked... although i'd love the opportunity to be wicked once in a while. Ho hum.

Had a busy evening tonight - I rented an island, all for myself! Extravagent I know, and it'll probably cause problems later, but there it is - my own beachside space.

 I also made a friend at 6th Element tonight - time will tell how things pan out there. She's funny and cute - taken of course - but nice anyway.

 Anyway, now I have some serious work to do, getting my island set up.